


We Might Be Hollow But We're Brave

by thejustjust



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Gen, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Silas Psychiatric Hospital and Rehabilitation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-09 18:24:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4359527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejustjust/pseuds/thejustjust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla had fucked up, she had OD on who knows what and ended up in a hospital. After being so careful for three years, making sure she didn't leave traces, basically living off the grid. One freaking OD changed that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All Ups Come Crashing Down

**Author's Note:**

> I understand that this work might need tags and trigger warnings, but I don't know how to quite do that. Or what is necessary to tag. I'm sorry about that.

The nurses were going through their routine of checking on patients and other duties that their jobs required of them. In this small city there was not that many overnight patients and it was appearing that things would be running smoothly tonight, everything was calm and quite. It was at this time that there came a noise, quiet slapping of heels, one of the few sounds that one could hear in the hallway. A hurrying figure turned the corner as they calmly looked for the right room, drops of rain still hanging on their raincoat as they go.

The moon had already risen when she had finally arrived at the hospital. She was quickly directed to ICU, and towards a portion of the hospital that was the least busy and perhaps the quietest. The moment that they had been contacted, her mother had pulled strings and practically thrown money at the hospital to make sure that the press didn't get news of this.

When she found the room, she paused outside the door and tried to make herself more presentable by fixing her hair and straightening her coat. She had her hand on the handle ready to push open the door, when a thought stop her. What if they didn't want her here?

She hadn't heard of or seen the person inside in three years. She didn't know how they would react, though it saddens her that at one time she could have confidently walked in and know exactly what the reaction would be. What if they had already disowned her, they hadn't parted in the best of terms.

Perhaps it would be better to just turn around and go back to Morocco but one look through the big window to see the resting girl inside made her change her mind.

The girl was very thin, so thin that one could start to see an outline of her skeleton. Her hair looked slick and unwashed, her cheeks were hallow and her face was gaunt, and her hospital gown hung limply and loosely against her weak frame. She looked sickly pale, and overall, she was a heartbreaking, poignant sight. This broken scrawny girl was nothing like the strong rebellious girl she remembers.

No it wouldn't be better to run, it would be easier yes, but not better. She didn't help or support the resting girl when she needed it the most, maybe it was time to try to mend things. And with a goal in mind she swung open the door and walked in determined to stay with the other girl until she woke up.

* * *

The first thing that she noticed was the smell. It didn't particularly bother her but it was a strong odor, of something she didn't expect. The sharp smell of cleanness filled her nose when she took a deep breathe, the smell of rubbing alcohol or some type of disinfectant. It was comforting and fresh, both things that her recent places of living have been lacking. Not that she would ever tell _anyone_ where she had been living.

The second thing that she noticed was that she wasn't wearing her clothes. While she wasn't complaining the gown type thing she was wearing _was_ sort of comfortable. There was a small nagging at the back of her mind that it was too cold to be a summer day. But hey it beats the heat so she didn't question it much.

She also took note that she was in a bed. It had been _so_ long that she had slept in one that she didn't quite care that it wasn't the most comfortable bed.

She had never felt as tried as she did at that moment, she didn't want to open her eyes to see her surroundings, and she didn't want to figure out where the frilly hell was she. She didn't want to do much of anything expect maybe sleep some more. So she couldn't understand why anyone that could turn off that damn irritating beeping sound hasn't?

She just wanted to recede back into the dreamless dark for an interminable amount of time. Dreamless dark. The thing she is always striving for, she didn't know what she took this time but whatever is was it was good. She was going to have to find it again. She _has_ to find it again.

She had almost drifted back to sleep when a very familiar voice began to speak.

"I know you are awake, Carmilla."

The sound was like a slap the face and brought her to full awareness. _Oh Fuck_ _Damnit,_ Carmilla thought. She had no choice but to respond to that voice. In that moment she realized there was nothing she could do to rectify her current situation. It hit her that she had to face the music that she had been running from for three years. There was no get out of jail free card, no point in faking it, no backing out.

But she could sure as hell try.

Carmilla lazily opened her eyes as she pulled a weak smirk and said "Mattie." Like she hadn't had slam the door shut yelling, like she hadn't had dump the blame on Mattie about something no one had control over, like she hadn't walked away.

To no one's surprised Mattie was going to having none of that bullshit, she narrowed her eyes to glare at Carmilla, "Don't. You. Mattie. Me."

Silence fell upon them as they took this moment to take in the others state.

Carmilla took note of how Mattie's make up was a little ruined, how her hair was messy and up in a ponytail, how she was holding a cup of coffee like it was a lifeline. Mattie looked worn out, Carmilla figure that she had probably been waiting a long while for her to wake up.

Though even through Mattie's tiredness Carmilla could see the changes. The shy and easy going girl she had known couldn't be seen instead that aura had been replaced by waves of power and confidence telling her that Mattie had harden. Carmilla could see it in the way she held herself, the straight posture, how her head was raised, the steady unwavering glaze that seems to be analyzing her.

Yes Mattie had harden and how could she not. Carmilla had left, leaving Matska and William in Mother's grasp. And if Carmilla knew Mother, and boy did she know her well, it was that Mother had most likely had tightened the leash on both of them. The only thing that told Camilla that the girl she used to know was still in there was the soft light in Mattie's eyes that seem to be saying _sorry._

It was that silent message that made Carmilla notice where she was, in a hospital. Carmilla widen her eyes as she took in her surroundings, well _now_ the stupid beeping made sense.

She had fucked up, she had OD on who knows what and ended up in a hospital. After being so careful for three years, making sure she didn't leave traces, basically living off the grid. One freaking OD changed that.

They had found her when she wasn't ready to be found. Carmilla knew that she couldn't have hidden forever and took she defeat quietly. At least Mother sent someone she could tolerate to have a decent conversation with.

"The vagabond lifestyle suits you," Mattie says curtly. "As does almost dying in a ditch, doesn't it sis?"

Mattie was going to play it cold, Carmilla thought, well two could play at that game. "Almost as well as your role in being Mother's retriever."

"Maman didn't sent me," Mattie said nonchalantly, dusting off her spotless skirt "but she, of course, knows where you are."

Carmilla frowned and opened her mouth then thought again frowned deeper closing her mouth. Mattie eyes eventually found Carmilla's and she raised her eyebrow. Daring Carmilla to insult, to denied, to speak.

"Carm," Mattie sighed "You have to stop being self destructive."

Carmilla looked away and found the wall very interesting that moment, "Is that mother or you speaking?"

"I'm not going to lie." Mattie started out slowly, "You have been... problematic for Maman," then she took hold of Carmilla' s hand between her own "But Carm I do miss the times before...everything came crashing down."

There was a moment of content silent, both remembering a different much easier time before Mattie decided to speak as she started to dig in her purse. "Carm you need help there's the-"

"Help from who," Carmilla cut her off. "A shrink? Don't make me laugh."

"Ha, the great Carmilla Karnstein to a shrink" Mattie frowned "No. I know you would find that beneath you." She continued to look through purse until she found what she needed and pulled it out. "You need something more... focus."

Carmilla stared at the pamphlet that Mattie layed on her lap. Her eyes didn't even try to skim the page instead locked on the big bold words reading ' **Silas Psychiatric Hospital and Rehabilitation** '.

"You could go willingly, voluntarily" Mattie said as she stood up and crossed the room to the trash can, "Or you could go back to the ditch they found you in." She threw her cup away as if to communicate to Carmilla what she thought if she chose the latter, Mattie would be done with her.

"Carm you might be the self proclaimed dark beauty of the world's rotting core," Mattie said smirking, "but..." She quickly somber up "I don't want to see _you_ rotting away like this." she added quietly.

Soon exhaustion hit Carmilla deeply and she closed her eyes. All the years of running, of trying to fight, of knowingly losing her inner battle felt like they had caught up with her at that moment. Maybe, she wondered, just maybe it was time to learn to let go.

"Fine." Carmilla spoke quietly with her eyes still closed "I'll go."

"Finally using that brain of yours" Mattie chuckled softly.

They were in silence after that for a little until Mattie broke the silence once more, "I'm going to the hotel, to change and I'll see you when I come back."

"Go rest for a bit," Carmilla said tiredly "It's not like I'm going anywhere." With those final words Carmilla let sleep take her. That night sleep had allowed her to have a dreamless slumber. She didn't have nightmares of mother, or of stupid crows, she didn't even have nightmares of Ell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it might still need some work but it's what I came up with, the next chapter might take I while, maybe a week(?) no promises though.
> 
> Coming Up: Kirsch is trying.


	2. Some Wrecks You Can Walk Away From

Having nothing else to he began to analyze his room. It wasn't as large as his room back home but it had enough room for a bed, a dresser, and a small desk. The walls were white, the bed sheets were white, the paper in front of him was blank... and white. Ugh Bro this is _seriously_ not fun, he thought. He was quite bored, there's just not much to do. Even though the Doc told him writing about it might help. The Doc also told him not to force words on the page.

He closed the journal and looked round for something. He kept his stuff very organized, it's just how he was raised or else his momma would totally have his head.

He paused his search and sighed, he missed his family. He understands that they sent him here to get better, hell he wanted to get better too, but sometimes he was homesick. After SJ's-

**5**

He was looking for something wasn't he? Yes his iPod he forgot that he was listening to it last night and left it under his pillow.

He went to retrieve it and sat up against the headboard on his bed, listening to music. He was content on listening to classical, he didn't use to listen to that type of music. It use to be SJ's thing, back when she was still studying med, before the parties, before the drugs, and before she-

**4**

He took out his ear buds, and took a deep slow breath, waited a few seconds, and released it. Then he changed the song and plugged the buds right back in.

Bro keep it together Kirsch, he sternly told himself, besides that's the Sarah Jane he liked remembering, the "before" one.

The "after" SJ and him had similar taste of music. That's why he decided to deleted a considerable large amount of songs and choose a genre he never really listen to.

A few minutes later while he was lost in the music a song popped up.

It was not a classical.

It was some kind of techno-pop. He didn't even know he had this song, SJ most likely sneaked it in. It didn't matter that it wasn't the same song. The beat was similar enough.

* * *

 

_They were on the road heading to the house party SJ wanted to go to. Kirsch was slightly frustrated, she had been going to parties non-stop since she dropped out. Kirsch could only attend so many with her because he was still in school._

_SJ had plugged in her phone to the car and was blasting club music on his speakers. She was dancing in her seat, a little drunk, and already in the party mode._

_Kirsch loved Sarah Jane and knew that this had been her way of coping. She hadn't wanted to dropout but the situation hadn't been preventable. But he knew this had to stop, he turned off the music._

_"Hey!" SJ whined, "I was listening to that."_

_"I know babe," he says, "It's just that, well, we need to talk"_

_SJ crossed her arms and looked out the window. "There's nothing to talked about."_

_"Come on babe." Krisch said taking his eyes off the road for a second to glance at her, "Shouldn't this partying, I don't know, don't you need a rest from it?"_

_"But Boo thought you liked a good party." SJ jeered._

_"Babe I love to party." He chuckle a little, "But," his smile dropped "It's a Tuesdays."_

_"Yeah so?" SJ said annoyed._

_"SO I have class tomorrow," Kirsch looked at SJ again but just like last time she kept staring outside so he couldn't see her face. "I can't keep going out like this with you."_

_"Well nobody asked you to." She once more said annoyed but he could hear her voice breaking._

_Kirsch frowned thought that it was probably best to pull over, and pull into a restaurant's parking lot._

_Once the car was stopped he took off his seatbelt to turned and looked at her. He slowly took her hand in his and lightly brushing his thumb across her knuckles waiting for her to talk._

_It took another five minutes before she turned to looked at him. She was crying, and instantly he took off her seatbelt and brought her in his lap._

_Once her crying calm down a little, he spoke softly, "I know babe, I know it hurts." He pulled back to put his foreheadad against hers, "but Sarah you like can't keep partying forever. A hottest has to rest sometime."_

_SJ started wiping her eyes dry "I know," she shudder out a sigh, "I know, it's just that this have been hard and I just wanted to lose myself."_

_Kirsch knew the circumstances surrounding her dropout. Her parents where in a bad place financially, her dad had fallen sick and they couldn't pay for both college and the hospital... or even the plane ride home._

_"You miss them, don't you?" His hands cupping her face and he used his thumbs to dry the tears. She just nods._

_"Hey babe," Kirsch had an idea and it didn't seem like a bad one, so h_ _e couldn't keep his enthusiasm out of his voice._

_Sarah Jane knew that tone of voice, and her lips twitched to a ghost of a smile "Yes Boo?"_

_"Why don't you let me buy you the ticket home?" He could do it, he wouldn't say that he was loaded but his family certainly never had money issues. The closest thing he could think of that they were was lower upper class._

_She frowned, "Kitsch I- I can't pay"_

_"As a gift," he said smiling, but once he saw that SJ hadn't lighten up he sighed and added "You can pay me back later, if you want."_

_Then Sarah Jane started to smile the biggest most wonderful smile he ever saw, and threw her arms around him. She started crying again but this time he knew they were happy tears, it had been a long time since she had seen her family._

_She pulled back to shower him with kisses. "You are the best boyfriend." She said between kisses._

_Then she gave him a serious look, "But don't think this gives you permission to spend money on me."_

_He laughs "Wouldn't count on it." Last time he tried that he got lobster in his shirt._

_After another make out session they both decided to go to his place and watch movies._

_The last he saw Sarah Jane truly smile again, was when he dropped her off at the airport, because she never did after finding out that her father had died during her flight home._

* * *

 

He didn't notice that the song was over or that there was tears slowly going down his face. The only that keep going in his mind was, that time he had stopped her, that time he had done it right, had said the right thing, why couldn't he have done it during the party that-

**3**

Kirsch tried to think about something else anything else. There- there was his new bro. Yes, his new bro he made here. He made fast friends with another patient, Will Luce. Will is actually pretty cool bro... most of the time. Will was more solid than his bros back home. They didn't stick around for long after Sarah Jane-

**2**

He had to stop this train of thinking, he was almost out of numbers. He doesn't want the numbers gone, he had been doing so well lately. He was almost done with the day and he had to go to the dining room to eat dinner soon. Then he could sleep and the numbers could start over.

But... there had been a time when he didn't need the numbers. There was a time when he wasn't lock up because of his mental instability. There was a time when-

He had to stop he wanted to get better.

 _Oh_ , a little voice spoke to him, prodded him, poking him, _you mean like when you could have stopped SJ_ -

**1**

His breath caught, the tears running now. Yes, there was a time when he could have saved Sarah Jane from death.

**0**

He ripped off his ear buds, sprang up and threw the iPod across the room.

He heard a crack telling him that it broke and it cluttered to the floor.

He grabbed the closest thing near him which was the chair. He swung it up and with all his might threw it down hard against the floor. The wooden chair stood no chance.

He heard a loud crack telling him that the chair broke and pieces flying everywhere.

A splinter of wood cut him on his cheek but the didn't fazed him. There was a shout in the hall as he turn around and stalked to the nearest wall, the wall opposite of the door. He raised his hand and punched it.

He had seen the signs.

A stronger punch to the wall.

He could have talked to her.

Once more his fist hit the the wall with more strength than the last.

He raised his fist and to throw his hardest blow.

He could have stopped her.

He heard a crack telling him that his hand was broken, but that didn't stop him.

He paid no attention to the commotion behind him. The yelling on the another side of the door, pounding of feet on the floor, or when the door was flung open were all lost to him.

He kept going, his mind on autopilot, he wasn't seeing the blood running down his arm. Hands came from behind him and pulled him from the wall.

It was then that him notice how hard he had been crying which made him cry harder.

They had pushed him on the bed and were holding him down.

To him it didn't matter how many things he heard crack and break.

The needle found its way through his skin and the liquid injected in him.

No it didn't matter because, they would never ever compare to the cracking sound and broken form of Sarah Jane.

Then he passed out, stolen by the medicine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I don't know when I'll have the next chapter, let's shoot for next week, shall we?  
> Update: It's taking me longer than I expected to get the next chapter out. But I'll try to put it up asap.  
> Coming Up: Will is hurt and angry.


End file.
